Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Moving Toward Healing

I knew that being parents would change our lives forever.  I knew this.

My house would just not be picked up anymore (or clean for very long).

What I did not expect was that my whole life would feel like a mess all the time.  When things got to the point where I knew I couldn't just "tough it out", I got help.  I posted about it

Lately, even though I am on some light anti-depressants, I just have been feeling the pressure again.  So today, I went to my first therapy session.  I've done therapy before, for anxiety issues.  And with all that is going on right now, I suspected that the anxiety was creeping back in and the depression was coming back.

Let me back up.  As I posted before, I was under the impression that I was good to go with my job for this coming school year--even if it was teaching Spanish instead of English. Friday I found out that is not the case.  I got the email that I am to report to the informational meeting this week Thursday, and then to the "bid" meeting next week Friday to see if I will have a position.

What a bid meeting entails is listing all the people who could possibly be "displaced" on one big list with their teaching certifications all in seniority order.  Another list shows all the "open" positions.  At the meeting, they will start with the person on the top of the seniority list and that person will choose whatever "open" position they are certified to teach that they want.  If someone ahead of me chooses the position I thought I was assigned for the fall, I will have to pick something else--possibly in my building, possibly not--or not have a job.  If there is nothing available for me that I am certified to teach, I won't have a job.

I don't believe I won't have a job.  I am completely unsure of where I will end up though.

So.


This caused a pretty bad breakdown on my part on Friday.  And now I look around and see chaos again.  I see cheese-it crumbs on my floor.  I see toys everywhere.  I see half-drunk sippies around the house.  This is what my brain feels like.  cluttered.  I can't seem to organize what is going on.  I can't seem to not think (aka worry) about everything in my life.

Now don't get me wrong.  I KNOW other people have it a LOT worse than I do.  There are people who will for sure lose their jobs on Thursday.  My heart aches for them.  There are those who are battling sickness.  We are so blessed to have our health.  I am not complaining.  I'm just stating that all this?  This that is going on with us?  Is messing with MY mental health.

So today I went to therapy.

It was good.  I wasn't prepared for how emotional it would be.  I mean, it was mostly just the therapist asking me background questions about my family that I was raised in, how my husband and I met, what has been going on in the past year since Eddie was born.  The more I "remembered" to throw in, the more her eyes grew.  I guess I've never sat down and said out loud all that has happened to Cort and me since getting married five years ago.  When it's all given at once to a third party, it DOES seem like a lot.

It felt good to know that what I have swirling around in my life, the "shit storm" as we have been calling it, is recognized as tough even to a professional.

Before leaving, I scheduled three more sessions.  I like my therapist so far, and I hope to work with her to achieve the goals we set for me.

I walked out feeling drained and like like I had so much more to tell, but good.  I felt good.

I felt ready to go home to my little woodchuck...who is not only eating his crib (yes, we have special crib covers coming from Target any day now), but he has taken to completely shredding his wooden blocks.  He is my beautiful chaos.

At least he's cute.

And he is worth fighting for.

11 comments:

Grace said...

beautiful. there is beauty in your chaos. love your words. You are so strong!!! I hope you get only good news at the meeting.

hugs!

Kristen said...

{Hugs} I'll be praying for you! He is a cutie!!

Kimberly said...

I know how awful it is when you feel a bit chaotic and you look around and all that you see is chaos in the home as well. It's very unnerving to say the least.

It drives me crazy. The way I combat the anxiety is to super clean and super organize everything...then the anxiety gets worse because my cleaning isn't good enough. UGh, it's like a maddening cycle. My psychiatrist told me that as mom's we should accept things as not perfect. No one has a perfect home. No one's home is perfectly clean...I take a bit of comfort in that.

I know that you're dealing with a lot of stress with your job. That's huge. But talking with a therapist will help you out more than you know. Don't worry about the cheerios...or the sippy cups...they don't matter. You matter and your husband matters and your wood eating cutie matters. That's it.

Big healing hugs your way,
Kimberly

Maureen said...

I'm keeping you in my prayers, Katie. Therapy can really sort things out and put in a perspective we never recognize before isn't? I haven't seen mine in awhile due to financial reasons but I have faith that God will make everything beautiful in His time and I pray He will sees you through. Hugs your way!

Stace said...

Good luck with therapy. I love seeing my therapist, and when I miss a session, I feel completely wound up, anxious and on edge.
Whenever I start feeling overwhelmed with the daily tasks of being a stay at home mom to 3 kids and a wife to a military man, I grab my youngest (because she's the cuddliest) and I give her a great big hug and tell her I love her. She then proceeds to tell me how pretty I am, and how much she loves me, and how she likes my nail polish, and my pretty blue shirt, etc. She's a great boost! :)
Anyhow, like I said, good luck!!

Mama Hen said...

Good for you for seeking someone to talk to. Just so you know, we all have the crumbs, toys everywhere and endless dishes and laundry. so you can feel comfort in knowing you are not alone my mommy friend. sometimes I feel like other people's houses are so neat and then I come home to such a mess waiting. It never ends. BUT I spend a lot of time with my daughter and I think that is more important right now. So the dishes can wait a bit longer. I know that it is hard to wonder whether you will have a job or not. I am a teacher and my last job I had just spent one year then they made financial cuts at the end of the year. I took all of my stuff out over the summer and then in July they said that I still had my job. It can be so unpredictable. But you have your beautiful little munchkin and that is what it is all about! have a great day!

mama Hen

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I wish you the best, it sounds like you are on a great pathway right now... I am sure you're going to see good things ahead. :)

Steph

Jeremy and Tonya said...

First let me say, I am proud of you and admire what a strong person you are. Second, HOLY GUACAMOLE! Eddie did that to a wooden block! Impressive...

Miranda said...

Hugs to you, e-twin. You'll be in my prayers for the job situation. And you're always in my thoughts with the anxiety. You can do this!

missy widener said...

not only to a wooden block, tonya, but to THEE wooden block. the UFO one to be precise...to cover up the conspiracy and bury the truth even deeper (thank you, cort, for pointing that out...) yes I love me some x-file government conspiracy, I cannot help myself. and katie, you know how much I adore you. and I think by just getting it all out you are doing so much good. and you are SO good, you don't even know...

designHER Momma said...

glad to hear that the first session went well, and it's now under your belt.

...at least they're cute - I think I say that daily.

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