Letter to My Former Self

I love blog hops.  LOVE them.  For one they give me something cool to write about...something I wouldn't normally have thought up all on my own (like my wedding or my former self).  They also give me a reason to read millions of blogs other than my typical reason of "oh my word, there are 400 unread things in my google reader!"

And come on...I love a good running motif among blogs--knowing that each one I click will be on the same topic, but done in a completely unique way.  I think it's the English teacher in me.

Anyway...here we go.  To my former self...with pictures (even the awkward ones):

To my Wee Self:

Hey hot stuff...you look smashing in all outfits.  That is the best thing about being wee.  You don't care what you're wearing, but you do prefer pink and ruffles.  Because you are a little girly girl.  Now.  You won't always be, but you are for now, so revel in it.  Also, it's ok that mommy and daddy are making you move out of your "pretty" room and into a new house.  There will be faux fur on the walls in that room, but mommy will make it a pretty blue with little flowers.  And you will LOVE that room.  You will read and listen to music and talk to boys on the phone in that room.  It will be your special place for many, many years.  Oh, and don't be so shy around non-family.  You won't always be shy, but I wish it hadn't taken you so long to figure that out.

To my Almost an Adolescent Self:

You have no idea what you are in for.  You are still pretty cute...look at you with that cute hair and sweater (nice perm.  thanks, mom).  You are even starting to think boys are sort of cute.  But you don't really understand those feelings or know how to act on them other than to smack that cute boy in class HARD in the arm whenever he walks by.  This?  Is not a good way to attract a guy.  But you won't figure that out until high school.  sigh...

To my Super Awkward Self:

 First of all, nice OP sweatshirt and jean skirt.  You were hot.  Oh except for those dirty, "white" socks.  No good.  Anyway, I should tell you that you are about to break out in zits.  Until about 1994.  Boys will mock you for this.  One boy in seventh grade science will tell you that you are too ugly to be anyone's girlfriend ever.  He will say this RIGHT after you tell him he is cute IN science class.  Oh, and you have sit by him all year because Mr. Piersma doesn't ever change seating charts.  Ever.  But seriously?  I wish you wouldn't have harbored that.  I wish you didn't care what idiot adolescent boys said about you. I wish that wouldn't have led to your low-self esteem around guys.  You are hilarious and THAT is great to guys.  You don't learn that for awhile yet though.  I am sad about that.

To my Early High School Self:

Still you think you are fat and ugly in this picture.  WHY?  You are so small that this dress is a little big on you.  And you thought this hair was ridiculous...but it's sort of cute. The half bang is what is ridiculous.  But you don't learn that until college.  So sad for your hair.  You totally have a long-term boyfriend by now.  I wish you didn't put all you stock and time into that guy.  I want you to go do more high school things than sit around at his house and watch movies or hang out with his friends or wait for him to come home from college.  Senior year you had TONS of friends--once you let go of the guy and started believing YOU were worth being friends with on your own.  I wish you had figured that out freshman year.

To my Starting College Self:

WHY ARE YOU WEARING BULKY CLOTHING?  You are at your best body at this point in your life, but it's all covered up in long flannels and baggy jeans and doc martins.  Damn you, grunge movement and your lumber jack fashion.  Um, self?  Stop clinging to guys for your identity.  Seriously.  You have discovered that you are cute to guys, but instead of settling for one, you just bounce from one to the next because you can.  Uncool.  Oh, and that skinny guy there in the Georgetown sweatshirt?  Too bad he has a girlfriend.  You're going to end up with him.

Yeah, that guy holding his then-girlfriend's sweatshirt.  And she?  Will become one of your best friends ever.  Her son will be your godson.  I'm glad you were always good and relationships.   You scored by keeping that guy and his girlfriend in your life.

To my College Self:

 Quit having so much fun.  Seriously.  There is fun and then there is TOO much fun.  You wait until senior year to learn this.  Probably should have learned it freshman year.  Although honestly?  There isn't too much I would tell you NOT to do...except maybe don't date some of the guys you did (both the ones from the UP come to mind), but I have always been glad you moved away from home and did this college thing on your own.  You always got SO homesick before college, but going to WMU really helped you come out of your shell as far as communicating with others and finding a path for yourself.  But that guy you started dating after sophomore year?  Maybe could have cut that down to a 2 year relationship instead of letting it drag on for 5.  I'm just sayin'.


To my Engaged Self:

If you ever cut your hair again, don't part it down the middle (although you will make this mistake at LEAST two more times).  Also, don't stress out about your wedding.  It is the best day ever.  Things don't always work out how you had hoped, but that guy you are planning to walk down the aisle too?  He sticks by you and holds your hand through it.  Good choice.  Don't worry so much about what other people think.  Do what you want.  Oh, and YOU are the grownup.  Those who can't act like adults do not matter.  Don't waste brainpower on them.

To my Newlywed Self:

You are a wife.  You finally have a guy who celebrates who YOU are and doesn't try to make you more like him.  He supports your choices and you do a pretty good job of supporting his.  I wish I could tell you to be more patient.  He doesn't think in the same process you do.  You will learn this, but I wish you knew it now.  It would have made those first couple years easier.  He takes longer to gather his thoughts and he doesn't just blurt everything that is on his mind.  Be patient.  When he wants to talk, he will, but you might have to ask.  Don't nag.  Some stuff he has to deal with on his own.

To my New Momma Self:

Oh honey, look at those bags.  This was the DAY after you came home.  You are sore from the C-section.  You are tired.  You are still bloated with water.  You are going to try to be supermom.  Please don't.  This is something I so badly wish I could change for you.  Lay back, let other people do the work, and heal.  You say you're fine.  You're not.  You say yes to every visitor.  Don't.  That little bundle?  He is about to turn colicky.  Please ask for help instead of trying to do it all yourself.  And when you don't ask for help with Eddie?  Please ask for help with your mind.  What you are feeling?  NOT NORMAL!  Don't wait nine months.  Just don't.  Your whole family deserves better, and so do you!

To my Current Self:

 You are getting better.  Remember that.  You are still healing.  It's ok to have bad days.  It's ok to ask for help.  It's ok to admit things aren't perfect.  But you need to let go of things you can't control.  Wait...let me say that again a little louder:  YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT ALL.  Your job?  Not in your hands.  Cort's job?  Not in your control.  The future of all mankind?  Not for you to save by yourself.  All of these things and much more keep you awake at night.  Don't let it.  Or at least continue getting help to prevent it.  You don't like what you look like.  You don't like the way you act.  You don't like what goes on in your mind.  But you know what?  You are pretty; you are great; and your thoughts are valid.  YOU are a great person.  Even if you do not believe those words that you just typed.  You will hopefully believe them.  Some day.  At least that is my hope for you.