Bittersweet....

Cause it's a bitter sweet symphony, this life

Every choice  make brings good and bad it seems.  Today I was reminded of the good that my new choices will bring.  Power was lost at school and we were sent home. 

Home to a quiet house. 

Home with my lessons to plan.

Home for a much-needed nap.

Trying to make ends meet

You're a slave to money then you die

All we do is struggle to keep ourselves afloat.  Cortney goes through promising interviews.  Every damn time we get our hopes up.  Every time (so far) he gets the rejection.  He is MORE than qualified.  He is exactly what they are looking for.  But he doesn't have a degree.  OR they are afraid once he gets his degree he will leave.

And that leaves us back at square one.

So I worry.

And I take on extra duties and jobs.

And I overextend myself for money.

Until I die.

No change, I can't change

I can't change, I can't change

Cortney begs me not to worry.  Not to take on more than I can handle.  Other people ask me if I am crazy. 

I KNOW I should take care of myself first.

But I can't.

I just can't.

I am selfish in many, may ways.  But taking something away from my family that I could provide by just sucking it up for a limited amount of time is something I just can't do.

But I'm here in my mind

I am here in my mind

I do these things I know are not good for me even if they are good for others.  But I KNOW it.

I know I want my family to be comfortable even if I'm not.

I know I take on jobs because I want to make people happy.

I know I do things that might not want to do because I feel important if I do them.

I know I take things on just so I won't be forgotten.

I am aware.

But I'm a million different people

from one day to the next...

To follow the old cliche, I wear more hats than my head can possibly handle.

I bite off way more than I can swallow and digest, let alone chew.

I play more roles in one day than I can list on all my fingers and toes.

I know it would be healthier for me to quit doing that.

But how?  How do I continue to be a GOOD teacher, mother, wife, etc if I just think about me?

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me,

yeah

Some days I just need it to be recognized that I struggle.  I just need people to see it, understand it's a part of me, and feel it for me for a second.

I am not looking for pity.

I am not whining.   

Most days, anyway.

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

I don't know what else to blog about besides that.  

This is my life.

This is OUR life.

We have struggles.

We try VERY hard to keep a positive outlook in all things.  We try to laugh a lot.

Because if you don't laugh?  You lose.  You die.  You're done.

But sometimes?  That is hard.

There needs to be a break in the laughter.

And this is one of those breaks.

Stuff isn't funny to me right now.  It's just damn hard.

I wish it didn't have to be, but this is the only road Cort and I know.  We started down this hard road when we walked back down the aisle together as man and wife.

Neither of us had known a ton of hardship until then.

We are so very lucky to have each other and this journey.  But it's not easy.

Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

If you are feeling all "help a teacher out", you can visit the teacher wish lists for the teachers in my district.  I am on there as well, but all of us need help.  We have huge classes and little to zero funds to get the things we need.  Anything you can do is much appreciated. 

Plus also? All your comments and tweets on my post this morning and about my meltdown?  Wonderful.  I will get to responding (if your email is connected to your commenting account).

And one more thing?  about comments?  Soon I will be over at wordpress and responding to what you say to me will be much easier.  YAY!