Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Bittersweet....

Cause it's a bitter sweet symphony, this life

Every choice  make brings good and bad it seems.  Today I was reminded of the good that my new choices will bring.  Power was lost at school and we were sent home. 

Home to a quiet house. 

Home with my lessons to plan.

Home for a much-needed nap.

Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
All we do is struggle to keep ourselves afloat.  Cortney goes through promising interviews.  Every damn time we get our hopes up.  Every time (so far) he gets the rejection.  He is MORE than qualified.  He is exactly what they are looking for.  But he doesn't have a degree.  OR they are afraid once he gets his degree he will leave.

And that leaves us back at square one.

So I worry.

And I take on extra duties and jobs.

And I overextend myself for money.

Until I die.
No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
Cortney begs me not to worry.  Not to take on more than I can handle.  Other people ask me if I am crazy. 
I KNOW I should take care of myself first.
But I can't.

I just can't.

I am selfish in many, may ways.  But taking something away from my family that I could provide by just sucking it up for a limited amount of time is something I just can't do.

But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
I do these things I know are not good for me even if they are good for others.  But I KNOW it.

I know I want my family to be comfortable even if I'm not.

I know I take on jobs because I want to make people happy.

I know I do things that might not want to do because I feel important if I do them.
I know I take things on just so I won't be forgotten.
I am aware.

But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next...
To follow the old cliche, I wear more hats than my head can possibly handle.

I bite off way more than I can swallow and digest, let alone chew.

I play more roles in one day than I can list on all my fingers and toes.

I know it would be healthier for me to quit doing that.

But how?  How do I continue to be a GOOD teacher, mother, wife, etc if I just think about me?
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me,
yeah
Some days I just need it to be recognized that I struggle.  I just need people to see it, understand it's a part of me, and feel it for me for a second.
I am not looking for pity.
I am not whining.   

Most days, anyway.

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I don't know what else to blog about besides that.  
This is my life.

This is OUR life.

We have struggles.

We try VERY hard to keep a positive outlook in all things.  We try to laugh a lot.

Because if you don't laugh?  You lose.  You die.  You're done.

But sometimes?  That is hard.

There needs to be a break in the laughter.

And this is one of those breaks.

Stuff isn't funny to me right now.  It's just damn hard.

I wish it didn't have to be, but this is the only road Cort and I know.  We started down this hard road when we walked back down the aisle together as man and wife.

Neither of us had known a ton of hardship until then.

We are so very lucky to have each other and this journey.  But it's not easy.
Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

If you are feeling all "help a teacher out", you can visit the teacher wish lists for the teachers in my district.  I am on there as well, but all of us need help.  We have huge classes and little to zero funds to get the things we need.  Anything you can do is much appreciated. 

Plus also? All your comments and tweets on my post this morning and about my meltdown?  Wonderful.  I will get to responding (if your email is connected to your commenting account).

And one more thing?  about comments?  Soon I will be over at wordpress and responding to what you say to me will be much easier.  YAY!

19 comments:

The Empress said...

This song is so very sad to me. I loved it, but had to quit listening to it.

I don't know what the writer of it meant, but I always thought it was about the reasons for heroin.

Just that want to just drown it all out, to the only road where it all meets...and then to come out of it to realize there is no change, it's all still there...like the junk you tried to leave ...and it all starts all over again.

My comment almost sounds funny now. I have to end it with, "or is that only me?"

That's how I fight depression: humor. Not even with intention, it's like my blessed arsenal that came with the package that is me.

Beautiful post, though, don't let my comment take away from how the words enter your brain.

~*Jess*~ said...

You. Are. Awesome. And talented. And a wonderful mama/wife.

Grace @ Arms Wide Open said...

im sorry. i'm sad for you. i will pray for cort to get a job...

Trisha V. said...

just remember if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy!!

Missy @ Wonder, Friend said...

Sending you a hug!

WTH am I Doing? said...

Ugh. I so know the painful over-commitment. My situation is different, of course, but I so know how that goes. And with that? I've always pushed myself to meltdown, illness, or injury...which then prevents me from getting stuff done. And I get stressed out all over again.

It's something I work on. Some days I do better than others. I recently finished the (audio) book The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson. It was a big help for me. I've listened to it several times. Dunno if it would help you like it did me, but I thought I'd throw it out there. :)

Good luck! And I hope things turn around soon. I know the suck of no degree. :p

Sarah Partain said...

i love this song and everytime i hear it, it reminds me of when i first heard it, during a bittersweet and confusing time.
here's hoping for strength, rest, a new job that pays well, endurance and most of all, peace.

Jennifer Kay said...

My hubby stopped by your school this morning to bring you some "pick me up" goodies but the doors were locked. (He works about a mile down the road). I hope you get them tomorrow and put a big smile on your face because I was thinking about you all night last night, wondering what I could do to help.

I hate to see a fellow dieter, money struggler, sometimes I think is my long lost twin, little baby mama be sad!

Lindsey said...

((HUGS)) :(

alicia said...

I do think that sometimes we owe it to ourselves to embrace the feelings and have a good hearty cry or scream or down day or whatever it takes. Cause life isn't peaches n cream every single day.

Hang in there...

Kimberly said...

Whew Momma. I don't know what to say. I think we've all been at these crossroads where you're just kind of trying to stay afloat in all of the chaos. It gets better. You recognized that you are being stressed...PS. You are NOT SELFISH...and that is good...not that you're stressed but that you...ah fark it, you get what I mean.
I love ya Momma. It will get better. We are all here for you.
Much love and hugs

Pua said...

I understand where you come from on so many levels. Maybe one day I'll post the story of our marriage. The rough edges surrounding the beautiful strength within.
Maybe one day, but probably not.
But if I never do, just know, I feel your heartache in so many ways. You are never alone.

Julia said...

oh dear. it's a tough life. like i said in my email, i'm not sure how you do it. it's hard to say no to jobs and more work when you know your family needs it.

hang in there. i'll be praying for you and Cort that a job comes around. praying for your sanity.

and remember, it's ok to vent, share and be frustrated.

Kmama said...

I think you already know what you need to do, so I'm not going to say anything.

But what I want to say is that you're not alone. You don't have to go through this alone. And more people understand what you're going through than you probably realize.

Keep your chin up.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

That's one of my favorite songs. I do hope you find more sweet than better every day.

Steph

From Tracie said...

I feel everything you have written here in the very core of my soul.

The fight to make it. The worry over money. The hats....oh so many hats, and still never enough, no satisfaction. It is raw in it's honesty.

Erin said...

You remind me of my husband, just trying to bring more good things home to the family. You should be commended for it. I'll tell you like I tell him at least once a week. Stress yourself if you must, but there's no reason to break. You are the only one who knows where your breaking point is, and all I ask is that you avoid it, and know that we appreciate every thing you do to make our lives a little better, a little easier.

Miranda said...

thinking of you friend. always.

MommaKiss said...

the song is heartbreaking, yet tells the story so many relate to, doesn't it?
Life tends to toss crap around once in a while. You just have to keep on keepin' on. Or you will break.

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