Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Ramblings that I Can String Together Right Now

There is a storm outside.

Why does this seem to happen every time I have a storm in my head?  It's like the universe wants to smack me with obvious literary irony.  Like I need that.

Ahem.  Anyway.

This morning I was just thinking about how much I love my schedule.  Remember when I was upset and sad and scared and confused about why I had been given full time Spanish instead of full time English?  This morning, I felt peaceful about it.  I have four sections of Spanish I and one section of Spanish II.  My prep hour is third hour, which is the perfect time for a breather and a mid-morning snack.

Long story short, I ruined it.

I picked up a ninth grade English class.  ON MY PREP.

So now I will have no prep time.

I will teach six hours.

Mondays and Wednesdays I will still be teaching at the community college.

My therapist tells me it is Ok to say no to extra money if it means sacrificing my mental health.  But what I have figured out is that it's not just saying no to extra money.  It FEELS like I am saying no to my family.  Like I am saying, "I could do this to help, but I am not going to."  It FEELS like I am saying no to those ninth graders who need a teacher.  It FEELS like I am putting myself first.  And that?  feels wrong.

Before picking this class up?  I was hanging by a shred when it came to sleep and time management.  I was spending more time than I really had in the social media world in the evenings instead of just going to bed.

Why do I do this to myself?  Why don't I just unplug and go to bed?

I guess you could call it addiction.  I mean, those of us in the social media world jokingly call it an addiction.  Those outside it, don't get the real connections and seriously call it an addiction.

I would say it's more of an attachment.

Which made made me start thinking about this blog.

What am I doing here?

I looked back at a few of my most recent posts.  And there were very few that I was proud of.

I love all the guest posts.  but those aren't my writing.

Where is my writing?  What do I want this space to be?

It used to be an update place so my family and friends "in real life" would know what is going on.

Then it changed to something else.  I feel like I am struggling to find my place in this blogging world.  And just as this struggle is going on?  I am taking on more and more at work.  I am putting in 14-16 hour days.  I am staying up way too late.

Something is going to totally give.  And I am afraid for now?  It's my blogging schedule.

I don't mean to quit completely, but I just can't keep up the pace of posting every day.

Even with two guest posts a week?  I am having trouble keeping up.  Well, keeping up and actually saying something real.

This is scary to me.  I love you all.  You are my attachments, not my addictions.  Everyone here lifts me up.  Encourages my good choices and my writing.  I haven't had any rude comments (yet).

I am afraid of losing that.  You all have become my support net.  When I feel like the world has taken a dump on me...when there is a storm swirling in my head...I can come here, pound it out on my keyboard, hit publish, and you all somehow find the perfect words, the perfect comments to fill my heart with hope.

So this self-imposed "backing off" period?  Scary.  I am going to let my guest posters (who are AWESOME) keep filling in.  I hope you will love on them, because loving on them makes me happy since I love them so much.

And I hope you won't leave Sluiter Nation.  You are a part of this.  An important part.

18 comments:

Gina said...

I'm not going anywhere - I'll be right here when you get back!

I think we all need a break every now and then.

Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year said...

I think we all go through this from time to time. You do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your family. I completely understand & I'll be here when you are. :)

HarmSkills said...

post as often as you can. we will be here reading and tweeting!

Julie S. said...

I will never leave. Take a break- we will be here!

Blair@HeirtoBlair said...

I'll be right here waiting for you.

ohhh, creepy.

only not.

Stephanie Doyle said...

I'll be here! Hope you feel better soon! :)

www.doylesdays.blogspot.com

Grace @ Arms Wide Open said...

i am so proud of you. really. truly. i know at a point i felt sucked into the posting every day thing. and then i realized that it wasn't working. it didn't make sense. and i like to think everyone understands! i love you lady. get some rest!!!

Miranda said...

I so know what you're feeling right now. So.

I'll be here whenever you figure things out!

Mama Fisch said...

I get it mama... as a teacher myself I get it. You can teach but then the planning, grading and prepping each night is enough to never allow for sleep. Hang in there! Do what is best for you and those freshmen are lucky to have someone who cares! :)

Sarah @ Ordinary Days said...

"I can't quit you!"

No, seriously though, take a breather. We'll all still be here when you get back. :)

Kimberly said...

I know how you feel. I really do. I only work part time for my sanity and I sometimes feel selfish for it. My husband reassures me that a sane happy mom is better than a wigged out Mom.

You are irreplaceable . Your writing is wonderful and I wouldn't have noticed that you were stressed at all. You make me smile and make me want to write more with beauty. You rock mah socks.

You do need to take care of you. We willbe here for you always Momma.

Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points said...

Oh sweet friend...

We're right here. We don't mind if you post less. because we would rather have a little of you whole and well than a lot of you fragmented and suffering.

And I am in the same dilemma. The speech therapist shortage is CRAZY. I could have nine jobs if I wanted them (and yes, I know how very very lucky I am to be in that circumstance.) And I feel the tug every time I say no.

But... I have to. I can't be all things to all people, and I've made peace with the limitations I choose- yes CHOOSE - to set. I don't want to work full time, let alone double time. I want to work on the writing career, which means I cannot work three ST jobs. I cannot take on an extra contract or a private patient.

It is OK to set limits. You can have the extra $50 a week, but if you're not with your family to enjoy it, why bother? Would your son prefer better quality diapers or grander Christmas presents or his mom, awake and verbal?

You've said all these things to yourself, dear one, I know. But sometime hearing someone else say them validates them.

So I am saying.

andygirl said...

honey, I am a newish reader and I already love you. so don't worry. we're not going anywhere.

it's never wrong to put yourself first. remember what they tell you on airplanes? put the mask on your own face before assisting others. you can't help anyone if you don't help yourself first.

~*Jess*~ said...

I'll be here waiting :) You do what's best for you. And your sweet family. Hang in there.

The Empress said...

I'm on a "mental health" break. My guest posters filled in. My depression can get the best of me if I'm not geared up and prepared for battle.

I have the PPD survival sticker up on my blog, too.

Sherri said...

You need to do what's best for you and your health; the rest will find a way to work itself out. You may have to drop the 9th grade class but you know what? There will be a teacher would could really use those hours. Sometimes when you have to close a door, it opens for someone else.

Please, please take good care of yourself and don't fret. The great thing about the Internet? It's always going to be there. And so will we.

designHER Momma said...

A few things:
1. never feel stressed because of the blog. I don't even have close to your schedule, and I can only post about twice a week. Sometimes I skip a week. And I don't care.

2. It is better to write less, but with better content than fill up the space with crap, just for the sake of posting. (Not saying that you do that AT ALL, it's just something I try to be self conscious of for myself.)

3. Blogging is so 2009. Twitter is where it's at, and it's quicker. I think you can still get support in smaller more manageable doses by popping on twitter when you have a few seconds. Who has time to craft long, thought provoking post? :)

4. Hope you figure it out. There are alot of people both inside your computer and outside that are cheering for ya!

Julia said...

are you kidding? not going anywhere!!! thank you for opening up your life to us. we are here to support each other and love you Katie!!! (p.s. email me your address... you know, just in case!) ;)

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