There is a storm outside.
Why does this seem to happen every time I have a storm in my head? It's like the universe wants to smack me with obvious literary irony. Like I need that.
This morning I was just thinking about how much I love my schedule. Remember when I was upset and sad and scared and confused about why I had been given full time Spanish instead of full time English? This morning, I felt peaceful about it. I have four sections of Spanish I and one section of Spanish II. My prep hour is third hour, which is the perfect time for a breather and a mid-morning snack.
Long story short, I ruined it.
I picked up a ninth grade English class. ON MY PREP.
So now I will have no prep time.
I will teach six hours.
Mondays and Wednesdays I will still be teaching at the community college.
My therapist tells me it is Ok to say no to extra money if it means sacrificing my mental health. But what I have figured out is that it's not just saying no to extra money. It FEELS like I am saying no to my family. Like I am saying, "I could do this to help, but I am not going to." It FEELS like I am saying no to those ninth graders who need a teacher. It FEELS like I am putting myself first. And that? feels wrong.
Before picking this class up? I was hanging by a shred when it came to sleep and time management. I was spending more time than I really had in the social media world in the evenings instead of just going to bed.
Why do I do this to myself? Why don't I just unplug and go to bed?
I guess you could call it addiction. I mean, those of us in the social media world jokingly call it an addiction. Those outside it, don't get the real connections and seriously call it an addiction.
I would say it's more of an attachment.
Which made made me start thinking about this blog.
What am I doing here?
I looked back at a few of my most recent posts. And there were very few that I was proud of.
I love all the guest posts. but those aren't my writing.
Where is my writing? What do I want this space to be?
It used to be an update place so my family and friends "in real life" would know what is going on.
Then it changed to something else. I feel like I am struggling to find my place in this blogging world. And just as this struggle is going on? I am taking on more and more at work. I am putting in 14-16 hour days. I am staying up way too late.
Something is going to totally give. And I am afraid for now? It's my blogging schedule.
I don't mean to quit completely, but I just can't keep up the pace of posting every day.
Even with two guest posts a week? I am having trouble keeping up. Well, keeping up and actually saying something real.
This is scary to me. I love you all. You are my attachments, not my addictions. Everyone here lifts me up. Encourages my good choices and my writing. I haven't had any rude comments (yet).
I am afraid of losing that. You all have become my support net. When I feel like the world has taken a dump on me...when there is a storm swirling in my head...I can come here, pound it out on my keyboard, hit publish, and you all somehow find the perfect words, the perfect comments to fill my heart with hope.
So this self-imposed "backing off" period? Scary. I am going to let my guest posters (who are AWESOME) keep filling in. I hope you will love on them, because loving on them makes me happy since I love them so much.
And I hope you won't leave Sluiter Nation. You are a part of this. An important part.